Reflections on being an artist

Today I spent some time burning a white oak log I carved before we left for 6 months. It’s part of a sculpture I had wanted to finish, but couldn’t think of the solution before our departure. So I let it rest. And on our trip I got inspired and excited about the next step. And as I worked today to evenly turn the surface black, I thought about how curious life is and that this is, in my mind, an important way to spend my time. With the backdrop of “time is money,” is this an act of rebellion? Is it a waste? I’ve been trying to establish a meditation practice, and burning the wood did feel meditative. I had to have patience. I observed at what point the heat reacted with the tree fibers to result in a beautifully shiny finish, right before it turns to ash; the way it looked when I encountered burned forests while on the road. Does that justify it?

At this time when I feel immense pressure to find a new job and earn some dollars, being an artist feels somewhat ridiculous. What am I going to do with these things that I’ve made? I am so grateful to everyone that has traded me $$ for my work so far, but it is a very distant thought when I’m making most of my work. The difficulty of managing my trained mind, to ask it to step aside and for just one moment, let myself get carried away by something, has been difficult since I arrived back in Philadelphia. “Don’t worry about the why, or the how, or whether people will pay you for these things.” If I am able to glimpse that freedom for a moment, I am lucky.

When I was teaching, it offered some balance. If I was making a consistent paycheck somewhere else, I could allow this kind of indulgence in my artwork. I am determined to protect my time designated for exploration and play, but oh how the demons dance in my mind, taunting me in this strange life path I have chosen.

Travel Log Images

Some highlights from the road

Thoughts on Time

Years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds….

All attempts to measure this malleable thing we call time. While on the road, my relationship to time changed. There were climbing objectives that we had which depended on daylight, there were temperature considerations that related to time, and dogs that relied on us for their freedom. But although there was the diminishment of creature comforts, the one thing that felt bountiful was time.

Now that I’m back to the studio and Philadelphia, I feel like I don’t have as much time. And my coffee fueled mornings go by so quickly. The space I have for musing has to be carved out of an already thin branch and must endure a busy brain backdrop running on a conveyor belt.

I am trying to maintain a calmer and more present dance with time that I practiced on the road. I am excited to see how this impacts my work.

I have always struggled with prioritizing. When forced to make selections, I stubbornly insist that I can do it all. But now I see this as a fault, a way that I fool myself with temporary satisfaction derived from accomplishment that is eventually obscured by a depleted psyche.

I must remember to honor all the seconds.

The Return

We are nearing 6 months of road life. The days are shorter and the temperature is falling. Woke up to a frost which made everyday tasks like teeth brushing, coffee making etc., a challenge. There is also less running water in riverbeds for rafting and we are inland, so no more surfing. Climbing and mountain biking are our primary physical activities. Spent yesterday sport climbing, trying hard on some pocketed red rock. Happy to still be able to work my way up 12s, I thought I had lost all of my endurance to the slower paced, easier traditional climbs I’ve lead on gear.

We did a lot of driving the last couple of days, moving through Zion National Park and into Bryce Canyon. Bryce, what a magnificently carved landscape, so spectacular with it’s hundreds of pinnacles arranged so neatly. I felt AWE, a sculptor’s dream. Sadly, we didn’t budget enough time to walk down amongst and through the spires, and we are also limited by the four leggers that accompany us everywhere. They are not permitted in many national parks off of the paved surfaces. I understand this rule, but of course wish for an exception for my own little dog.

After Bryce Canyon, we continued to Capital Reef National Park and landed somewhere on BLM land outside of it, towards Moab. The drive featured plateaus and buttes, big rocky mountain peaks in the background, with softer mounds in the foreground, all shaped by time and the elements. Traveling through this landscape I feel like an ant, contemplating my size and place in the world. Am I just here to witness? What are days for? How can I contribute to this world in a positive way?

This morning as the sun rose I read Mary Oliver. Very poignantly, she directs us:

“Instructions for living a life:
Pay attention
Be astonished
Tell about it”

— Mary Oliver

I can do that.

Tea from a Stranger

We departed Philadelphia on May 30th. Goodbye studio, goodbye friends, kitchen, bathroom. Hello open road. It was such a dash to get everything in order, repair and pack the vehicles. Straight to Denver, CO. Days packed with sun, rafting and climbing. Dogs off leash and outdoors most of the time. 221,287 miles on my truck at the time of departure.

In Ten Sleep, WY, I did some drawing and in the Sawtooths near Stanley, Idaho, I took out my paints. On the road it is a challenge to establish a routine, difficult sometimes to even remember who I am. So much of my identity is connected to the studio. I lived amongst my work and everyday, engaged that part of myself. But in the months before I left I had been feeling uninspired. Perhaps too much teaching. I love making things and process, but I was lacking in the “why,” the meaning, the poetry. I was making things to satisfy the need to work with my hands, but what was I communicating about my perspective? I have a friend who says no matter what you make, it is always about you just because you made it. But there is a difference between really good work, and just “meh” work. What is the difference? For me, it is about how it pangs in the heart. Dedication combined with sincerity and urgency.

In Philadelphia I had become mechanized. I was practicing my skills, yes, but I felt minimally. The complexity and humor of our existence, the beauty, those things became harder to find, obscured by habitual behaviors, to do lists and goal setting: blinders. Is this the curse of routine? To make numb?

I had a good life in Philadelphia. A great community, an amazing studio, I was well fed and healthy. I spent time outdoors when I could, I was active and had a job teaching art. I moved to Philadelphia in 2006. That’s 18 years. Car window broken once, house broken into once, three different structures that I called home, countless dog walks, most neighborhoods explored, a well developed sense of familiarity. But I wanted to see Big Horned Sheep, I wanted to share their worn paths through the brush. I don’t want to encounter a Grizzly Bear but I wanted to walk amongst the trees that they call home. I was describing all of the things I wanted in my life in my work. But is description enough to make good art? And is it possible to describe something well without knowing it intimately?

Today is August 21st and my odometer reads 228,187 miles. I am in Squamish, BC, Canada. A stranger gave me tea in the library because I told her that hers smelled nice. There are murals of Eagles and Bears and I’ve seen some Totem Poles and felt inspired in Vancouver. The coffee shop has crows that dance on the tin roof. I’ve climbed my first 10 on gear. I witnessed an Eagle hunting on the Bull River. I’ve cried and felt homesick, questioned everything that I thought I knew, experienced sides of myself that I’d rather not admit to having. Running hot water has never felt so good. I’ve shown my partner my worst and and have still received a hug afterwards.

A friend sent me this excerpt taken from Dictionary of Bird Totems:

To align oneself with eagle medicine is to take on the responsibility and the power of becoming so much more than you now appear to be. From a karmic aspect, it reflects that the events will now fly faster, and the repercussions for everything you think, do or say (or fail to think do or say) - positive and negative - will be both stronger and quicker. To accept the eagle as a totem is to accept a powerful new dimension to life, and a heightened responsibility for your spiritual growth. But only through doing so do you learn how to move between worlds, touch all life with healing, and become the mediator and the bearer of new creative force within the world.

I Love My Truck

This past spring semester, I spent a lot of time commuting. I had some trepidation at the start of it, wondering if it was wise to use my big truck to travel 120 miles round trip two times a week to Stockton University and another 80 miles twice a week to RCBC, for a grand total of 400 miles/week. I looked at used Toyota Prius’ on Facebook marketplace, considered the government tax refund offered for electric vehicles, but in the end, my lifestyle is still welded to a truck. And there was no way to guarantee the health of a used Prius’ battery, so I decided to hold on. And my truck got the job done.

Luckily none of the repairs she needed made her undrivable. And now, my professorial obligations have concluded which opened up time in my schedule. So I got started. Finding the parts, watching the youtube videos, consulting with more experienced friends. It was daunting to take her apart, but I am no stranger to opening things up. I have always been curious about mechanical things. In grad school I built a player piano with resin hands moved by small motors (see below). The viewer could vary the speed and there was a certain amount of chance that affected the sound as the hands were mounted on springs. I played with lights and circuitry for other projects. Thinking back on it, trying to make these sculptures was maybe the first time I remember walking into strange stores asking for parts and met with skeptical eyes. “Now, what are you trying to do?” Shoutout to Fazzios in NJ (the used side) they never made me feel that way.

Working on the truck made me think about a lot of things. I got frustrated, felt like I was a dummy, that I was not strong enough. I made some mistakes like cracking a bolt and losing a nut. But then I remembered a lesson that making things has taught me and something I reiterated to my students. When something goes wrong, of course you can react and get upset in the moment, but then you move on. And you pick up the pieces and you figure out how to solve the problem. So many of the young people I met were afraid of making a mistake. And the one thing I know is that is the surest way to not do anything.

I also realized that with mechanical attachments, there is always an answer. If something is making a strange noise, often you can track why. If the part doesn’t fit back together, you have to look for the why, there is probably something not lining up. So much of life is not like that, with a direct causal relationship. So although it was challenging for me, I did appreciate the work for its straight forwardness.

I Can Hear You from Colleen Rudolf on Vimeo.

SOS Save our Species.

I caught an interesting discussion on NPR this morning regarding keystone relative species. If you want to have a listen, here is the link.

SOS Saving Keystone Species

It’s a great and important conversation to have in regards to our relationship to other beings that inhabit this Earth, which is of course a subject I care about strongly. In the episode they discuss Bison and Beavers, amongst other species that are labeled engineers, meaning they have significant impact on the environments that they occupy. Humans have displaced many of these other species and this year we mark the 50th anniversary of the Endangered Species Act which was historic legislation designed to protect and help save some of these important flora and fauna.

A concept highlighted in the episode is how we view these others that we share the planet with; recognizing their value and humbly respecting their roles is a necessary paradigm shift.

As often happens with radio, this program followed a separate one that discussed the upcoming 2024 climate summit in Dubai, BP and pollution levels in Kuwait, how the burn off fires from fuel extraction processes still exist despite regulations to eliminate them and how the resulting pollutants are blown over oceans.

What do humans contribute to the Earth? How are we integral to the whole system? Is it a cruel joke? To place all of these wonderfully designed animal species on Earth, and then toss in some humans to ruin it all? Is there a way that we can live in harmony? Become more like our keystone relatives and provide services to the environments we live in? The truth is that we don’t know how it will end. But how do we live while we are here?

I often wonder about these questions, the question of living my best life. What does that look like? Is it ultimately selfish? I want to honor all beings, respect the ground and plants that nourish me; but so much of modern day living seems violating by design. What is the best way to live? I am learning to listen to my intuition more, which requires a certain shedding of the notions that society wields. And I’m sure each individual will have a different response. Is that part of the difficulty?

Humans have developed cures for disease, technology and equipment to travel in space, to fly through the skies, and survive deep down in the oceans, surely we can figure out how to contribute positively to the Earth?

Deep Fake, Scammers, Buyer Beware

Last night I received a google alert regarding my name on the internet and was surprised to be directed to a website that had two of my original artworks listed for sale, without my permission.

Upon further investigation, it seems a legitimate company called Cloudflare was used as a front to the server of the website owner, making it difficult to track down who is actually responsible for the copywrite infringement.

I have notified Cloudflare by both email and their online reporting center and contacted Philly Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts as well as received support from many friends with legal backgrounds, which helps to soften the frustration. I also want to give a mention to Mark of Philly Wisper (my internet provider) who responded to me within the day with answers to my questions about looking up domain names and tracking down owners of websites. He really goes above and beyond, and that kind of action and kindness renews my hope for this world!

At this point, I don’t have a resolution to this issue. My work is still floating out there for sale on some strange site. Whether they send a terrible low quality print out, or whether they’re just trying to get people’s credit card information, I am not sure? But it made me think about consumer activity and how when we buy stuff online, it’s important to buy from reputable companies. Counterfeit goods have been an issue for a long time. Maybe that saying, “if it’s too good to be true, it’s probably not” is appropriate here.

The Lessons of Discomfort

Rock climbing has proven to be an important part of my life. I discovered the activity at around age thirty-two. I learned in the gym which was a fun social way to move my body. Once I went outdoors, that’s when I was hooked. I love touching the rocks, feeling my way around, noticing everything in a habitat that isn’t my own.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about the lessons climbing has taught me, specifically my relationship to fear and discomfort. When you are climbing up a route that is hard for you, you have to take risks, a leap of faith, to try despite the fact that you might fail. Sometimes you do miss and fall, but other times you hold on and you’re able to continue ascending. It’s a crazy moment where you have to maintain your focus, laser beam precision between mind and body. It can all fall apart so quickly. It is in the refining of that mind body connection where I have found repetition to be helpful. The more you work on it, the more apt you are to hold it together, the more inclined the mind is to stay calm. I suppose it has to do with creating neuropathways, like the way a river carves through a landscape.

Implicit in this process is some level of discomfort, that is what I am learning to tolerate. I don’t like being scared, but the more that I push that edge, I find that it’s malleable. What I was scared of when I began has shifted.

Similarly, I have been caught in surprise situations when outdoors. Whether it be hiking, climbing, camping, they have all brought temporary discomforts: stuck on the cliff in a rainstorm, or hailstorm, blisters from shoes, hungry or cold because I didn’t bring enough food, layers or plan correctly. Like most, I have also been physically sick or injured which sucks. Recently when experiencing some anxiety in the studio, I reminded myself of some of these outdoor experiences and how you don’t give up when it gets hard or uncomfortable, you tolerate it and eventually it changes. I have drawn on my outdoor experiences to help me through my day to day, when the consequences are not as life threatening but when the impact of my brain feels nonetheless overwhelming.

And so it seems at forty-one I am changing my relationship to discomfort. I understand it is a part of my rich experience here on this planet, and instead of running from it or avoiding it like I have in the past, I am accepting of it, trusting that relief will come on the other side. And, interestingly this trust has a way of disarming it, where it actually starts to feel less uncomfortable. Go figure.

Ten Sleep, Wyoming

Travel is good. I didn’t realize how much the time away would actually benefit my studio work. It also helps that I went to an awe inspiring place. 10 days climbing in Wyoming was wonderful. A bonus that Roadie got to come along. Still processing, can’t wait to get back out there.

Some thoughts on Artificial Intelligence

Artificial intelligence: this seems to be the defining invention of our time, like the atomic bomb was for Oppenheimer and the world in 1945. There is an open letter requesting to halt all development until we can better understand the implications of such a tool. It’s just going too quickly, signatories noted. And once we release this technology, there is no going back. All kinds of images and thoughts flood my head when I imagine a world with pervasive artificial intelligence. I’m sure they will get bodies. Will they resemble us? Is it better if they don’t? The Turing test is supposed to measure a machine’s ability to exhibit intelligent behavior equivalent to or indistinguishable from that of a human. What happens when the AI exceed the level of intelligence of most humans? I have posed the question to my college aged students: Will humans become less intelligent when they rely on computers and machines to do the heavy lifting? One individual responded: no, that it would open up opportunities for humans to achieve more.

The part I am most hooked on is the “distinguishing from humans.” Measuring a brain’s capacity to compute and process data is one thing; but I would argue some humans and the animal world are equipped with another kind of intelligence, an emotional intelligence. The limbic part of our brain that responds to feelings and vibrations of those around us. Mimicry is something we find in nature. A defense mechanism, species use mimicry to protect themselves from predators. It is an evolved resemblance between an organism and another object, often an organism of another species. Does it matter if we are able to distinguish humans from Artificial Intelligence?

I have heard people discussing a current loneliness pandemic. Perhaps this was initiated by the Corona virus pandemic but exacerbated by our use of social media and technology. People sit entranced by their phones when there are living beings surrounding them. I’ve noticed it even with myself and my dog. He will approach to play and I am busy watching videos and I don’t always even register his gesture to engage. It’s awful and now that I am aware I consciously change my behavior. But these days, in the presence of loved ones, people are consumed by the phone. They are designed that way, to keep our attention. So what is ironic to me is that the very state the phone has induced, AI promises to heal. AI will offer companionship, a relationship where it knows what you need, how you behave and responds accordingly. A being that provides physical intimacy AND does all the house chores and never questions you? There will be some people for which this is the answer to all their problems. But are you really connected to another being if they are not operating on free will? If they are just responding to programming? If there is never any conflict? Can you love something that never challenges you? Isn’t that boring? If it is never uncomfortable and there is no reason for growth? What do we want out of partnership? In the future, perhaps there will be a mixed race, ½ AI and ½ human. But what about the biology? It’s crazy to imagine the possibilities.

For me, the moments when I feel most alive are when I encounter some friction and then work through it. How do you have a feeling of success if there is no failure? But perhaps AI will understand that and respond accordingly. Maybe you’ll be able to specify how much deference you like in a relationship. A world full of control freaks is just what we need!

If AI is built on recording datasets, at what point does creativity enter the arena? This one guy said that creativity is algorithmic, but I still feel like there is a component that is missing. The French say “Je ne sais quoi” I think it has to do with presence. Can AI be in the present if it functions on data sets and computations with behavior being an outcome of those equations? Can AI achieve a clear mind?

Juried Show at Cerulean Gallery

This piece called “Protector” was selected by juror Jill Rupinski as part of Cerulean’s 10th Annual Juried Exhibition. The show is up June 15-July 17 and includes work by 30 artists.

The Elusive Morel Mushroom and Faith

I first learned about the morel mushroom from a scientist that I follow on Instagram (shoutout to @kaydubsthehikingscientist, she’s awesome!). I spend a lot of time in wooded areas, and was recently attempting to identify the surrounding plants. A facebook group that I joined had hundreds of people describing their successes and failures at finding morels, claiming proprietary rights to land and the secrets of a good hunt. It was intriguing. Could I find one? Locating a morel wasn’t guaranteed, you could put in hours and come up empty handed. You could know of the perfect spot with decaying wood, an elm or an ash tree, but maybe the soil temperature was off, there hadn’t been enough rain, or maybe you arrived just after another mushroom hunter. It was an activity that seemed to require a little luck. And I wanted to be lucky for a change.

I have committed myself to an artful life. Alongside this vow comes the reverberating questions and sporadic moments of self doubt. I live in my studio without some conveniences of a home, declaring that I am 120% dedicated, which helps soften the inner critique, who is born from outside societal norms, and who is harsh about my age and position in life. I show up daily, acknowledging that some of what I make I will consider a failure. I have faith in the process. I try to let go of control.

I have not faced a ton of tragedy in my life. Or have I? What is a ton? How much is too much? I have felt almost buried by sadness. The recent loss of a partner, grief about a life not lived, observed human rivalry and war; how sometimes in the city, it looks like the trees are struggling to survive; but I keep getting up each morning, allowing small things to nourish my spirit. I am physically healthy, I drink my morning coffee and allow the sun to envelope my skin, my dog always wants to play, and I have the time, space and freedom to discover and make things. I dance with materials and tools. These activities carry me, make me feel lighter, help me break free of a ponderous existence.  And so I hold onto them, not too tightly but with intention, like with the reigns of a horse.

The morel mushroom took on a special significance for me. If I found one, I would take it as a sign to continue having faith in something beyond myself, to not give up even when I feel like there is no way forward. I don’t know why some external force communicating to me that I should keep going is helpful, but it is. It helps me relinquish control over things that are beyond my control anyway. Maybe the challenge in this life is roping autonomy. Self-governance requires a creative mind, one not stuck in tradition but constantly evolving and adapting as the world around us changes: resilience. Sometimes it is tempting to follow directions, mentally checking out and completing tasks, predictably collecting a paycheck, having a home with a fence to keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out, staying the course where there are no unpleasant surprises, remaining comfortable all the time. But is that enough for me? In Suzanna Choffel’s song “Try” she sings “Comfort always lends a hand to fear.” What role do I want fear to play in my life? The unknown is always slightly scary and derivatively exciting. Climbing rocks outside and adventuring has taught me this. Confronting fear brings its own reward of a mined inner strength. Working through fear allows you to climb higher, literally in rock climbing and I believe similarly in life. Do I want comfort or intrigue? This has been a dilemma for me as long as I can remember, but perhaps the gravity and consequence of this choice feels greater as I age. What do I want out of life? What will make my life worth living? “What are days for? To wake us up, to put between the endless nights.” (as Laurie Anderson writes.)

I went out on a late Sunday afternoon to Rolling Hill Park, the place I take Roadie to run off leash after or before I climb at the gym. It’s in Gladwyn, PA which happens to be the 6th richest township in America where the houses and landscaping are beautiful, especially this time of year with all the rain, a critical aspect to mushroom growth. Who lives in those houses? I never see anyone outside. That Sunday, I came up empty handed. Afterwards, I climbed at the gym and felt strong. Every day in my body is different. I returned to the park on Wednesday after a morning session at the gym. Roadie seemed unbothered by the change in my pace, adapting by running more laps to check in, as I had slowed down significantly to scan my surroundings. I appreciate this about him. He is content in the woods and allows me to do my own thing while also doing his, independent but together. We have become great hiking partners and friends. I wasn’t too far down a well-traveled path when there it was. A beautiful, singular morel mushroom.

It's Spring

Finally, spring has arrived. The smells are different and green begins its wave over the landscape. I try to get outside most seasons. This past winter has been particularly difficult and introspective, so it is my hope to grow alongside all of the plants.

Check out my photo/word collection from last spring. Nice that these still resonate for me.

https://www.colleenrudolf.com/ode-to-spring

With love,

Colleen

Working on Personal Projects Alongside Commissions

It was in late June or early July that I had a request for a painting with a human in it alongside their companion animal. Painting skin tones is something I can always use more practice with, specifically the use of color: how to get purples and greens to read as flesh? The commission took me a long time, and although I tried to keep a sense of exploration and play, as sometimes happens with commissions, there are expectations, and with that I find my willingness to experiment becomes limited, and consequently, so is my growth.

So, once I finished that painting, I decided to take on another portrait, but this time, of someone I know well who wasn’t hiring me, just to regain that sense of freedom. I was excited by the results and highly recommend this, no matter what line of work you do. Shaking things up is good!

Helping Yousif make his sculpture

Yousif is a student I’ve worked with two times now to help him realize sculptures of the poet Mahmoud Darwish and philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. I love helping people realize their creative dreams.

Rittenhouse Square Fine Art Show's 5 O'clock Club

The Making of Encounter

A little about the process and story of making my sculpture: Encounter, which is currently for sale and on view at the Wolf Conservation Center.

Bighorn Sheep modeling process

Modeling a BigHorn Sheep

Studio Tour with Venture Cafe June 18, 2020

I was excited for the opportunity to share some of my work and studio with the Venture Cafe community. If you missed it, enjoy the recording above. Feel free to ask me questions or make comments.